You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Saturday

- I had a lovely feast of chicken wings for lunch at a strip club yesterday. Glad i could check that off my bucket list. It’s true what they say about strip club food. Yum.

- I really miss sex. I’ve been trying this new thing where I don’t just have casual sex all willy-nilly. I have this idea of how amazing sex could be if I only do it with people I have some sort of spiritual connection with. I really do prefer sex with people I love in some capacity. And it’s even harder to want to have casual sex while in love with someone I can’t fuck right now. But, I may need to start exploring my options. A girl has needs.

- I think I may have sleepwalked last night. I woke up so confused. I’m getting more bizarre daily.

- I’m challenging myself to not be sad this weekend. Weekends are the hardest. Wish me luck.

Friday

- I’ve been told to “come home” by a few different people and they all meant a different place. “Home” is an interesting concept. On my key ring are 4 keys: my car key, the key to my parents house in New York, the key to my aunt’s condo in Atlanta, and the key to my lover’s house in California. If “home” is one particular place, I don’t think I’ll ever really have one again.

- I don’t feel like I’ve been making my own decisions lately. There’s some force greater than me that’s taken over now. I was never comfortable doing things on my own; now I do everything alone. I don’t realize how strong I’ve become until I tell someone all that I’ve done lately and they look at me in amazement.

- Memories are so incredibly powerful. When I get lonely, I literally live in them. I can close my eyes and all 5 of my senses channel whatever moment I need to revisit. My memories have been keeping me company when I wake up in the middle of the night.

- Someone very special to me has made a monumental decision and I am so proud. I know some courageous, beautiful people.

Thursday

- Hope is that thing that gets me out of bed every morning when I don’t have anything to look forward to. Hope is everything when there’s nothing, let me tell you.

- I’m starting to understand that people love differently than I do. Not more, not less. I spent so much time expecting to be loved the way that I love, that I overlooked the way I was being loved.

- I’ve lived in 3 states in the last 7 months. I can’t really commit to any of them right now. I know where I want to be, though.

- I’m trying, man.

Wednesday.

- I slept through the night for the first time since I left California. I didn’t have any nightmares either. Sleeping alone takes some getting used to.

- This bout of depression has kicked my ass. I feel the sun peaking through the clouds, though. I can see the finish line.

- I haven’t been able to bring myself to write lately because I couldn’t find any value in what I’ve been feeling and wanting to say. Fuck that.

- I have a plan. But all my plans are tentative, so who cares?

- I’ve grown up a lot.

I’m not angry

For once, I acknowledge that anger is a useless emotion during a situation like this.
I am hurt, though. Severely.
But for the first time, I don’t feel like this hurt is going to kill me.

Without fail

Every time I feel emotional pain, it feels like the most pain anyone has ever felt in the history of ever.

Sometimes I think I might secretly hate myself.

(Our) Love is

When you look me in my eyes
with that soft smile on your face.
Not breaking eye contact.
Then my face gets warm,
And I look down in embarrassment.
But when I look back up,
You’re still looking.
Still smiling.

I was looking forward to the possibility of overdosing, but I realized I only had one painkiller left. I wasn’t hoping to die; I just liked the possibility. More importantly, I was just hoping to turn everything off for a while.